Define, don't chase, your best self

The Myth of “Finding Yourself”

For years, self-help narratives have revolved around the idea that we must find ourselves, as if clarity is waiting somewhere outside of us. We chase new habits, new opportunities, and even new versions of ourselves—believing that if we just keep chasing, we’ll find the answers to our questions, to who we are.

But here’s the truth: You don’t find your best self. You define her. And in that process, you truly “find” yourself.

The process isn’t about waiting for clarity to appear; it’s about intentionally deciding who you want to become. And when you start defining yourself with intention, you naturally align your mindset, habits, and actions with that vision. That’s when transformation happens. Because becoming her isn’t about chasing — it’s about choosing.

The Power of Definition

When you define your best self, you create a blueprint for who you are becoming. Instead of waiting for a breakthrough, you set the foundation for one. Here’s why defining is more powerful than chasing:

1. Clarity Comes from Action, Not from Chasing

If you’re always in search mode, you stay stuck in indecision. You can keep studying who to become and read about theories, but if you don’t act towards building her, you are left wondering. So, when you define who you want to become, you create a roadmap to get there. You don’t have to have all the answers—you just need to start moving in the direction of your vision. And with each decision you make, you iterate, change elements to create the results you’re after.

2. Your Identity Shapes Your Habits

When you shift from “I want to be confident” to “I am someone who shows up with confidence,” your actions naturally follow. The reason you don’t achieve some of your goals is because you’re not yet the type of person who gets there. You need to align your habits with this new version of yourself that achieves those results. Your best self isn’t a distant goal—it’s a daily practice.

3. Growth Requires Letting Go

Part of defining yourself is releasing the old narratives that no longer serve you. Instead of chasing an idealized version of yourself, focus on aligning with the woman you’re actively becoming. That means being aware of the things you tell yourself, the things you do, and leaving them behind. 

How to Start Defining Your Best Self

1. Get clear on what she wants - write down the things you feel are missing, the things you wish changed or you want to work on.
2. Reflect and ask yourself ‘what happens if you don’t change those things?’; ‘what will 5-10 years from now look like?’ and on the other hand ‘how will your life look like if you achieve those things?’; ‘What does a day in the life of your future self look like?’
3. Define who she is – Your Best Self – What does she believe? How does she show up? What standards does she hold?
4. Align your habits with your identity – Based on your future self’s attributes, reflect on what habits help her show up as herself. And start incorporating those one by one. 

Growth isn’t a destination; it’s an ongoing choice. You refine, you adjust, you keep defining. And if you’re ready to start that journey, grab the FREE Level Up guide that will help you map out your next chapter.